dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
