I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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