I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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