The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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