She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
