First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
