hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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