I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
