he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
