that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
