I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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