theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
