I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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