is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
