even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
