yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize