I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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