I think my vagina is haunted
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
