I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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