Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
