I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
