Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
