And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
