I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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