This dress was meant to end up on your floor
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
