I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
