what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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