you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
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id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
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they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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