OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
