The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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