meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
