she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
