You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
