last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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