when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
