I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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