It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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