We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
