and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
