My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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