She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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