how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
