I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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