Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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