Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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