I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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