Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
