My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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