My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
this just has baby written all over it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
