They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
