Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
