Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
