I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
