I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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