he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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