I am spending my child support on dildos
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
