I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
